Struggling.

I know this is absurd, and even a little hard to admit, however I honestly believed that my Jack would remain a very easy child through out the majority of his life.  I allowed myself to think that we would have even less than normal bumps in the road and he would be my saving grace in what ever possible claim of  my sanity after raising 3 kids so close in age.   Dare I say it, "the good kid."

Over the past month or probably longer, he is proving that thought a mere daydream, fasad, far stretched unrealistic fantasty I've created in myself.  He in fact, is a real 4 1/2 yr old devil child.  A devil child at that age just like Kyla, and just like Kade.  I think if I go back and re-read all of my blog posts from the K's at that age, I'll find the same hell.  3 is bad.  3 is truly one of the worst experiences a parent will go through.  4.5 - age 5 is a whole different ballgame though.  They have the capability of actually being MEAN.

This is when they start with the comments of how much I don't let them do this or that, how mean I am, how they are never going to do what I say or how after I leave the room they are going to do what I just told them not to do.  They walk around the room and throw pillows off the couch and proclaim that "they are never picking them up" or announce that "they will never go to sleep when I want them to because I'm a mean mom and they only want to be with their dad or wish they didn't even have a mom.

With Kyla and Kade saying these types of things, I was more able to brush it off with a - "ya ya ya - your 4.5 - that's what you say at this age."   With Jack though it seems like it hurts more. A LOT more.  Jack is my baby that I thought would never even be able to find the words within him to say them out loud.  Jack I thought would be able to look at me and instantly replace the desire to be negative or mean with pure and undeniable love.  I really believed this, honestly.   What a sad and pathetic realization to come to.  Not only that it's happening, but that I, ( experienced with 2 previous 4.5 yr olds ) allowed myself to deny the possibility and prepare my heart for it. 

I'm going to have to rethink so many things.  He was my go to kid.  He was my rock.  Kyla and Kade provide so many things to my life. So many things that they can always fix and only they could fix, especially when they don't know they are fixing them.  Jack though was my solid, consistent, peace.  I want him back. I want my security back.   It's made me so sad to think about it, that even when he gives me the loves and smiles that fix entire days I'm sad because they are becoming less frequent without prompting.  He's even saying " enough mom! "  NO, there is never enough.  I refuse.

I'm really struggling with this.  I want to hold him, and kiss him, and beg him to please stay my Jackie.

xmas 2010

Snowman With Style Christmas

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A few things I found in the kids backpacks:

Kade:

An address and telephone number for his friend Jose.  He wouldn't put it down for nothing!  He was so very very proud of his first "card" as he called it.

His report card that was absolutely wonderful!!  He got meets the grade level standard in everything INCLUDING work habits and Social developement.  I'm so so very proud of him.
I'm very happy about the academic stuff, but the things about following directions and being respectful towards adults and others, etc. etc.. is much more important to me right now.

Kade:

A letter from her friend:
Dear Kyla,
You are my best friend.  You are my frist best friend. And we are always drawing pitcures together. I had ever had a best friend like you! And share silly bands to share every time! I"ll try to play with you angian. 
Patricha # 31   
( as written by Patricha )    Seriously - how cute is that?

Kyla's Thanksgiving Break writing assignment:
On Thanksgiving vacation I went to the park with my anty and my frend.  There was a big snake slide. Me and my brother went on the slide too. We went to Antlantis park.  My frend and I went to different places in the park.  And then we had a picnic in a shady spot. After the picnic we went to go play agin.  Then we went to Walmart.  After we went to Walmartwe went to lakewood mall.  I bought my new baseball glove. I was very proud.  Then I went to my baseball game. After I went home. I felt good when I did all of that stuff.

I think I've read this 20x.  ( I had to type it including the mistakes to show how few she made... proud mom! )

She also got her report card - same as Kade's!  All meeting grade level standards, except for 1 excels at grade level standards for writing!  Also Outstanding in some of the Characteristics of "Successful Students"   So VERY important.

a collaboration of thoughts...

Since I have all but given up blogging for Facebook, it seems my life has turned into a ton of mini-thoughts; ie.. Facebook statuses that are 420 characters or less.   The old blogger in me tended to be much more than 420 characters, so I have found myself having to choose between the 10 things that occupy my brain at any given moment when I post a status.  I'm thinking I need to perge some of them from my brain so I turn to my old friend, blogspot.

Bare with me as these will be completely random and I don't foresee me taking the time to organize them before posting.

One of the worst mistakes I've ever made is accidentally purchasing kitchen trashbags that are not "grippers."  Why even make a bag that doesn't stay up on it's own.  It's POINTLESS and MESSY!

I think it's the cutest thing in the world that whenever my kids talk about or talk to Max, our puppy, their voice goes up by about 100 octaves.   Sometimes it can be down right ear piercing.

I don't remember what it was like not having Max.  He is amazing and has been so great for our family.

Robert recently got into a car accident and it did NOT bring out the best in us as a couple.  There was some insurance problems and we could be out quite a lot of money.  It was not a fun weekend to get through.  We are better now, but we always seem to learn the hard way.  I wonder if we'll ever change.

Jack is constantly talking about having a girlfriend when he gets older, and how he likes "all girls."  
He also wants to change his name to: "Ironman Wolverine Beard."   He said he needs wolverine jammie bottoms and an ironman jammie top.

I always knew Kade was smart, but the things that come out of his mouth just amaze me!  He will put me into an early grave, either from a heart attack, a broken heart, or from loving him too much.  But mark my words!!

We were without a shower for about 2 weeks, so that left us down to 1 shower.  I didn't like it, and I felt horribly spoiled for complaining.  My god though, it really affected things!  Seriously.

Parenthood is the absolute best show on Television.  Lie to me comes in a close 2nd.  I wish I didn't love a few shows as much as I do, but I think they are my escape.  Actually I know they are.  I don't have any hobby's so I need something.

We've been playing baseball, (fallball)on Sunday's at noon.  I think I dislike Sunday's at noon.   I love love love watching them play.  A different time would be nicer though.

I'm already thinking about the kids birthday party's next year - we haven't even gotten through Christmas yet. What's up with that.  I think I want to do a carnival theme with just good old fashioned games being played.  My kids have loved playing games so much lately.

I read all of these cool quotes and swear I'm going to apply them to my life - then I don't.  Especially the one about wasting too much time picking up your house when you could spend it with your kids.  Something to that effect anyway.  When my house is messy, I'm annoyed and that's just bad for everyone.  I wish I could be different.

Kyla is doing great in 2nd grade.  Sometimes I feel like she's missed out on a lot of things that little girls enjoy because of her brain.  I just want her to be happy.

I have more serious stuff, but I think I'll keep it light for now.  I'll save the serious stuff for a real written post that will make more sense.

Jack: I'm so tired of sleeping! ( when it's time to go to bed ) me: sleeping is the best thing in the world. Not for me says Jack. I like waking up much better.
...... Oh how I wish I felt that way.

a continuing project

Kyla and I have decided that we don't spend enough mother daughter time together, so we came up with the idea of putting together a weekly list of things we want to do together.  3 things each is what we agreed upon.

Kyla's list consisted mainly of crafts, dress up, and doing our make-up.  I added doing our nails and "writing and coloring" a story.  We opted to start the first page of the story tonight.

Kyla has named me the author and her the illustrator, however the first page has been a joint effort for sure.

The idea of the story is 100% Kyla's and about 85% of the written words are hers as well.   Here is the beginning of our story - we will add to it as many days per week as possible.

Page 1.
This is a story about a butterfly that flew into a house.
The butterfly flew into the house because she wanted somewhere to live.
The house she picked was red, two story, had a basement and an attic and a lot of windows. There was also a fireplace in two rooms!
She didn't know who lived in the house when she picked it, but she found a pretty pink room that she loved.  The pink room had a window open, so she flew inside to see what else was in there.
The butterfly was so tired from flying and looking for a place to live, she decided to lay on a cute tiny bed in a pretty pink house in the big pink room.

to be continued....

Baki

I have to blog this before I forget.  For the last few weeks Kade has been writing " BAKI "

This is usually written after he writes Kade.  He says that it' s"his name" and he likes it.  After weeks and weeks of proding, we can not figure out where it came from.

In my clever detective work I believe he just wrote it out one day and someone ( Kyla ) said it in a word  to make it sound official that he knew how to spell / write and he just liked it ever since.

It cracks Robert and I up every single time.